We shall not cease from exploration,
and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started
and know the place for the first time.
~T.S. Eliot
Today marks the one-year anniversary of my return to my hometown of St. Louis, MO. Ten years away from a place is a long time. As I reflect upon this past year, there has been great pain – mostly in the form of dashed hopes and misplaced expectations – as well as great joy – found mostly in experiencing God’s unrelenting faithfulness. This year has been hard and it has been good. Never once have I doubted that returning to St. Louis was the right decision and I have discovered a particular kind of rest here that can only be experienced when one is home. When one is dwelling in the land to which one belongs.
Over the course of this past year, I have learned many valuable lessons so it seems like it would be good to write them down, not only for those who may read this, but for my future self who is far from finished with her explorations.
First of all, transition is hard. Don’t let anyone tell you that it isn’t and certainly don’t let anyone diminish the toll that transition can take on your life. Many of us may like the idea of something new, but the process of change is altogether disorienting and awkward. Establishing a new home, discovering your role in a new job, cultivating new relationships…these are things that brave people do, people who are willing to risk what is familiar and comfortable for the chance of experiencing something greater. Embracing transition and change – in any form – is an act of courage.
Moving to any new neighborhood, city, state or country is unsettling. There is a new culture to be learned –a new way of doing life. Some aspects of this new culture may prove to be enjoyable but other aspects may wear you down everyday. Moving back to the place where you were raised is a particularly unique experience. As a St. Louis native I understand this land, these people – this is my land, my people. I may not like how everything is done, but I know why it is done the way that it is. Life simply makes sense to me here. However, I am not the same person I was when I left and many of the people whom I knew as a child have been changed by time and life. I have learned that it is better to return without assumptions as to what your life may look like or whom you will befriend. What once was may not longer be and, perhaps, there is something new to be birthed. This has certainly been my experience. Aside from my family and a few friends, there is very little in St. Louis that I have returned to that is connected to my former days. Those were not bad days, but I am simply no longer the person I was then.
Make relationships a priority. Loneliness can birth a host of unwelcome behaviors so it is good to make every effort to start building new friendships as soon as possible. After spending much of my life in communal settings (college, ministry, etc.) where a network of friends was essentially provided for me, I found moving back to St. Louis as an adult made the path to genuine community something less than instantaneous when compared to my previous experiences. I struggled with what I call “relational depression.” Thankfully, I have my family, awesome co-worker friends, some of the best neighbors in the world, and an amazing church filled with people who desire to know and be known. This is a gift and it is one that I will never, ever take for granted again.
Speaking of relationships, distance can make or break them. However, if at all possible, it is important to maintain these relationships, especially through transition. Though my closest friends are farther from me physically than they have ever been, the distance has only deepened our intimacy. Yes, these relationships have had to morph but they are no less important to me than when we lived in close proximity to one another. The fact that these relationships have been sustained through such great distance only speaks to me of the special place that each of these dear friends hold in my heart – a place that can only be held by each one of them and them alone.
As I give this past year one last look, I can say that there is no other place I would rather be than where I am right now. This year has been hard, it has been good, and God has been faithful. I don’t anticipate staying in St. Louis for the rest of my life, but I do know that I love this City, I love these people, and this season – however long it may be – is a sweet gift to my life. As Dorothy says, there is no place like home.
Considering the Lily 