The Aftermath.
25 May 2012 Leave a Comment
When I posted earlier this week I was speaking in metaphorical terms. Apparently those words were actually prophetic. A day later it stormed and the rains poured into my apartment through the ceiling. Needless to say, it was not a good day. The highlight would most definitely be my amazing friends who came to the rescue and got everything cleaned up, fed me dinner and gave me a place to shower and sleep while my apartment dried out.
After The Storm
23 May 2012 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized Tags: Grace, hope, Storm
Perhaps the storm has not yet passed, but this song gives me hope that it will. It also gives me hope that even if it doesn’t, I can learn to swim in the storm.
And after the storm,
I run and run as the rains come
And I look up, I look up,
on my knees and out of luck,
I look up.
Night has always pushed up day
You must know life to see decay
But I won’t rot, I won’t rot
Not this mind and not this heart,
I won’t rot.
And I took you by the hand
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for.
And there will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
And now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
But oh no more.
That’s why I hold,
That’s why I hold with all I have.
That’s why I hold.
I will die alone and be left there.
Well I guess I’ll just go home,
Oh God knows where.
Because death is just so full and mine so small.
Well I’m scared of what’s behind and what’s before.
And there will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
Mumford & Sons, from the album Sigh No More
Caged Bird, Fly Free
05 Apr 2012 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized Tags: freedom
Mr. Rochester: “You are afraid of me, because I talk like a sphinx.”
Jane Eyre: “Your language is enigmatical, sir: but though I am bewildered, I am certainly not afraid.”
Mr. Rochester: “You are afraid – your self-love dreads a blunder.”
Jane Eyre: “In that sense, I do feel apprehensive – I have no wish to talk nonsense.”
Mr. Rochester: “If you did, it would be in such a grave, quiet manner, I should mistake it for sense. Do you never laugh, Miss Eyre? Don’t trouble yourself to answer – I see you laugh rarely; but you can laugh very merrily; believe me, you are not naturally austere, any more than I am naturally vicious. The Lowood constraint still clings to you somewhat; controlling your features, muffling your voice, and restricting your limbs; and you fear in the presence of a man and a brother – or father, or master, or what you will – to smile too gaily, speak too freely, or move too quickly; but in time, I think you will be natural with me, as I find it impossible to be conventional with you; and then your looks and movements will have more vivacity and variety than they dare offer now. I see at intervals the glance of a curious sort of bird through the closest bars of a cage: a vivid, restless, resolute captive is there; were it but free, it would soar cloud-high.”
-Excerpted from Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte
My life as it relates to Jane Eyre…
02 Apr 2012 Leave a Comment
Often, when I read or listen to song, I find that the words and experiences may not match my own, but the feelings underneath the words do. Such is the case with the story of Jane Eyre.
This interaction between Jane and Mrs. Reed struck me this evening as I read:
“‘Mr. Brocklehurst, I believe I intimated in the letter which I wrote to you three weeks ago, that this little girl has not quite the character and disposition I could wish: should you admit her into Lowood school, I should be glad if the superintendent and teachers were requested to keep a strict eye on her, and above all, to guard against her worst fault, a tendency to deceit. I mention this in your hearing, Jane, that you may not attempt to impose on Mr. Brocklehurst.’
Well I might dread, well I might dislike Mrs. Reed; for it was her nature to wound me cruelly: never was I happy in her presence. However carefully I obeyed, however strenuously I strove to please her, my efforts were still repulsed, and repaid by such sentences as the above. Now, uttered before a stranger, the accusation cut me to the heart: I dimly perceived that she was already obliterating hope from the new phase of existence which she destined me to enter. I felt, though I could not have expressed the feeling, that she was sowing aversion and unkindness along my future path: I saw myself transformed under Mr. Brocklehurst’s eye into an artful, noxious child, and what could I do to remedy the injury?
‘Nothing, indeed,’ thought I, as I struggled to repress a sob, and hastily wiped away some tears, the impotent evidences of my anguish.”
Sometimes, some of us start life with chains that already bind us.
To My Evangelical Friends:
10 Mar 2012 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized Tags: evangelical
It seems as though the mores by and in which we were raised continue to flow in our bloodstream long after we have left the nest. Lord help us…
~~~~~
“Everyone who reads the Bible brings to it assumptions or methods which they use to interpret the meaning of what they are reading. This is called hermeneutics. The Contemporary Christian Church has a very distinct way of interpreting the Bible. I call this the Evangelical Hermeneutic. It is what keeps the Contemporary Christian Culture Cancer growing, and the Contemporary Christian unwittingly brings this disease, as insidious as an undiagnosed leukemia, to the text. For once deep inside the conspiracy, it is impossible to see a biblical passage any other way. The cancer cannot be removed. The patient must be removed, and that only by death.
When approaching a text, such a person unconsciously applies the following principles to find its meaning:
- It is about me. Whatever the book, be it Pentateuch, prophets, psalms, gospel or epistle, it is talking about me.
- It tells me what to do or what not to do. An action is required on my part. My ability to do or not to do what the Bible tells me is equal to my goodness or wickedness.
- It condemns those who are different from me, that is, people are who non-Christian (those who freely admit their lack of faith or, what’s worse, profess a false faith) or un-Christian (people who say they are Christian but demonstrate their lack of salvation by their actions, whether it be thinking premarital sex is not bad or going to an Episcopal church).
- It implies the opposite. Every pronouncement of grace points to my own condemnation if I fail. Every promise is a threat. Everything that God does reveals what I must do.
These guiding principles of the Evangelical Hermeneutic stem from the original misspelled DNA of the cancer: the Evangelical Fallacy. The Evangelical Fallacy is the bastardization of a logical equation that is never allowed to be resolved. Its resolution would overcome the Contemporary Christian and reveal their God to be the monster he is and confirm their long-suspected but unconsciously hidden conviction that they are doomed, that they will not die but will live in everlasting torture assigned to them by the gleeful, dripping jaws of a sadistic God who snarls endlessly, “I told you so. I warned you.”
The logical equation that is written in the DNA of the Contemporary Christian is simple:
- If A and B then C.
But in practice, it is always and must always be
- If A and B then…
The equation is never – and must never be – resolved.
- If A. God will love you and save you if you are good.
- And B. You are a sinner and can never be good.
- Then C. God will never love and save you.
It is remarkable that someone growing up in the Contemporary Christian Culture can hear the same Bible stories and have them interpreted in Sunday school, Vacation Bible school, Youth Group, Summer Camp, Youth for Christ, Young Adult studies, Adult Sunday School, Bible Studies, Retreats and Sermons – and hear the same things said about the same verses every time.
There is no significant variation. A story might start out being told by puppets and flannel graphs, and end up being told with acoustic guitars, and finally by boring or exuberant white men. But it is always the same. Over time, nearly every text is covered.
Like a vaccine, these interpretations contain just a little bit of the truth and are given over time until the hearers is inoculated against being infected by the Good News in any text.
By the time a Contemporary Christian is an adult, any one of them could teach a Bible Study or lead a Youth Group or preach a sermon. They have absorbed the Contemporary Christian Culture reading of the text. A person might not even remember studying a particular passage, but when it is encountered, the Absorbed Reading surfaces. What is remarkable is that seekers still are able to continue to think they are encountering something new or something valuable.
There are passages of scripture that Contemporary Christians come to fear because of this Absorbed Reading. Contemporary Christians read these passages quickly, absently, with a nervous smile and darting eyes. They are only prevented from confronting the horror in them by not resolving the Evangelical Fallacy. If they were to fully consider the Absorbed Reading of these texts, they would be overwhelmed by the hopeless state of their souls. More so, they would be overwhelmed by the horror of the God that continually condemns them. Or – and this is he hardest route, they would have to confront the nearly subconscious itching and jerking reaction of the mind to reject the fallacy.
With this in mind, I encourage people to read on, read more. I don’t discount the horror, but I try to give them a few clues to remind them that God is not a horrible beast.”
-Excerpted from Post-Rapture Radio by Russel Rathbun
This matters.
10 Mar 2012 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized Tags: Kingdom
Watch this video. Sign this pledge. Share. Take action. This Matters.
Invisible Children: Kony 2012
http://www.kony2012.com/
{Coming Home: To Hope}
18 Feb 2012 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized Tags: dream, Home, hope, marriage
I’ve always dreamt of being married.
~Gum Drop Wishes~
“One fish, two fish, red fish, blue…” I heard the door snap shut. I dropped my book to the floor, scrambled off my bed, and ran straight into the living room. I stopped at the glass door. Tears began streaming down my face as I stared at the empty parking space along the curb. The cloud of exhaust was quickly being carried away by the breeze. I smashed my cheek against the warm glass, hoping that I could see his truck before he turned off our street. I looked down and saw the plastic badge with his picture on it lying on the mat. He must have dropped it as he walked out the door. My tiny six-year old fingers clung to his badge as if it was all I had left of him. He had left for work without saying goodbye.
My mom gently led me to his big blue chair and held me on her lap. Once the pace of my tears slowed enough for me to formulate intelligible words, I told my mom that I wanted to marry my dad. I can still remember my heart crushing downward into my chest when I learned that my mom was already married to my dad and that little girls can’t marry their daddy.
~Star-Crossed Lovers~
As we sat in his mom’s maroon van in the empty school parking lot, I knew the end was coming. I sobbed, slowly embracing the idea that when I would wake up in the morning he wouldn’t call. He wouldn’t come pick me up. There would be no more late night movies where I would peacefully fall asleep, at rest in the security of his presence. I sat in the passenger seat, weeping, and clinging to the moment for as long as I could. He stared at me, his eyes moist. I wondered if his tears were because of his pain, my pain, or some sort of hybrid pain. In my desperation, I prayed – finally realizing that the only person able to do anything in this situation was God. I was powerless and everything was out of my control. Silence filled the van like a wave crashing over our bodies, leaving both of us paralyzed.
As my mind reels back over ten years, I can’t even remember the words I uttered to God, but I can assure you He did not answer my prayer in the way I felt He should have. In that moment my heart changed. I resolved I would never again be hurt in this way. God simply could not be trusted – He had betrayed me. Whatever life existed in my heart that day was put to death.
~The Awakening~
The humidity had wafted away with the sunset, only the lingering summer warmth remained. My skin was sticky, covered by a thin layer of sweat. The sky was clear and I scanned the constellations for Orion’s Belt. The moonlight gleaned through the silhouettes of the trees lined along the fence. My feet began hitting the rubber track as fast as my legs would carry me. I was alone. Suddenly, a voice call out from within the darkness, “Why are you running from me?” The moment was surreal, but I wasn’t scared. I simply responded with “I don’t know.” He gently told me to stop. I suppose I was more tired than I thought I was because I gave up without a fight. That moment changed everything.
Every time I gaze at the night sky – regardless of where I am in the world – I always look for Orion’s Belt. There’s something comforting in its constancy. Realizing that I no longer needed to run, I slowly walked home under the gaze of the full moon and the steadfastness of Orion’s Belt. I felt as though I had been awakened from a deep sleep – like I had been brought back from the grave. Hope had reached into the depth of my death and called out the shred of life that was buried under layer upon layer of solid rock. In the moment where I most needed to be rescued, Hope arrived.
~The Valley of Achor~
He lingered in the office as I worked. It was painfully obvious that he had something to say to me, but I waited for him to speak. As I sat down on the couch, I could feel the words that were about to come out of his mouth. “We’re not ever going to be more than friends….” A million thoughts raced through my mind – but in the end no words were necessary. Thankfully, he left before the tears began to trickle down my cheeks. He had already seen enough of my tears.
This situation was all too familiar. This was the pain that I had experienced time and time again and had unsuccessfully attempted to shield myself from since I was six years old. Once again, I was powerless and everything was out of my control. Yet, this turn on the spiral yielded an unexpected response. Rather than rejection, I felt an invitation being extended to me. My sorrow became like sweet manna – reminding me of what once was and of what is possible. While the pain was familiar and piercing, the soil of my heart that had been tilled for so many years was able to continue to receive. To continue to give life…even while dying.
My life is not what I imagined it would be.
I still dream of being swept away into a fairy tale. I frequently envision carting a van full of children around. My desires haven’t changed. In fact, they are stronger and deeper than I ever believed possible. With this comes pain, grief, sorrow, longing, and aching. Some days I lay my courage down and seek solace in peanut butter cups, work, cleaning, or any other distractionary activity. Yet, when I choose to accept the invitation to enter into these rooms of despair, I find that that they actually become birthing rooms of passion, laughter, joy, peace, and – most of all – hope. Hope, not in the fulfillment of my desires, but in the One who placed desire in my heart in the first place. Hope in the One who knows my heart and is the only One able to grant its deepest longings. Hope in the knowledge that all of my desires are only glimpses of the glory that awaits.
At times, I would like to live in the delusion that the aches and longings of my heart will eventually fade away. That at some point on this earth, I will cease groaning with creation for redemption. But even when I attempt to run or hide and my waywardness consumes me, Hope continues to call me home and invites me to journey deeper – again and again.
Oh I do believe
In all the things you see
What comes is better than what came before
And you’d better come come, come come to me
Better come come, come come to me
Better run, run run, run run to me
Better come
~Cat Power
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Perspective
17 Feb 2012 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized Tags: love, pain, worship
I attended the funeral today of the dear mother of a close friend. It was one of the most profoundly beautiful funeral services I have attended and worshipful would be the appropriate description of the feel and flow of this service. It was good for my heart to be reminded that [quite often] our deepest worship flows out of our deepest pain. This was the song that was sung at the end of the service and the words have been rolling through my mind all day:
“Blessings” by Laura Story
We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things
‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we’d have faith to believe
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It’s not our home
‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise
“God, please give me your perspective in the midst of my pain. Thank you for being with me.”
Many Waters
15 Feb 2012 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized Tags: love, Madeleine L'Engle, soul
I recently finished Maeleine L’Engle’s A Wrinkle in Time quintet and, after much consideration, I have come to the conclusion that the fourth book - Many Waters - is my favorite of the bunch.
A common theme from the book has continued to roll through my mind…
“Many waters cannot quench love. Neither can the floods drown it.”
These words have been like a crisp, clear stream to my soul in recent days.
I will be glad and rejoice in Your unfailing love,
for You have seen my troubles,
and You care about the anguish of my soul.
Psalm 31:7
Christian Celebrities?
22 Jan 2012 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized Tags: celebrity, evangelical, Kingdom
An observation on the similarities between the Disney Empire and the Evangelical Empire.
For better and worse, I was raised as a fundamental evangelical. Periodically, I take a dip back in the world of evangelicalism to read an article or get an update on my alma mater. There is one particular phenomenon that continually intrigues me – the rise of Christian celebrity-ism.
For those who may not be familiar with this sub-culture. A Christian celebrity can be defined as a fundamental, evangelical Christian (more commonly a man) who has risen to a point of celebrity status in the secular world (defined here as non-conforming to the fundamental, evangelical world view). Evangelicals would describe this person’s position in life as a God-given platform. God has made a way for a solid, sold-out, outspoken Christian to live in the spotlight and proclaim the Gospel boldly so that all people might come to know Christ.
This doesn’t sound so bad, right? I deeply love God. Even more, I believe that God deeply loves us. I want people to know God and to be known by Him. But, I am just wondering if this is really the way to go.
As I continue to observe this trend, I often find myself feeling a deep sadness for these celebrities. It seems to me that these platforms might be better described as gallows. Once it becomes clear that someone is rising through the ranks, the evangelical community purchases them and – in very blunt terms – makes this person their whore. They are used in commercials, they get book deals, they are added to the speakers’ circuit and on and on. They become the next great savior.
Once, I read an article on how Disney creates their stars (In case you are wondering, they have a very successful formula. Have you heard of Miley Cyrus, Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber?). As I think about the two formulas, they don’t seem so different. Except perhaps, that in the evangelical community we eat our young. The first character slip-up and the stardom quickly ends. It’s a tough road, and most definitely not one I would want my children to walk. Every piece of your life is under scrutiny and when your humanity shows itself – as it always does – the criticism, abandonment and shame is relentless.
Like all celebrities, their personhood loses all value and they simply become a means to our end (which is unfortunate for all celebrities, not just ones who are Christians). To God, people are never a means to end. We humans were made by God out of the perfection of His love to uniquely display His glory. We are a great jewel of His desire, we are the crown of His creation, we are vessels of great delight. I fear that somewhere along the line a good desire for people to know God has become twisted and distorted, with great potential for the destruction of the celebrities that we ourselves have created and exploited.
Perhaps we need to be reminded of Jesus’ message that the “least of these” are the greatest in the Kingdom of God. Perhaps this is the path we need to venture into. We need a new definition of “celebrity” – a definition that’s more in line with God’s way of thinking.
As I think about my own life, according to this proposed definition, I immediately think of my 22-year-old friend who has a developmental delay and can unashamedly walk up to me in church, give me a big hug and tell me I look beautiful with no ulterior motive. My mind then wonders to my 82-year-old surrogate grandmother who invites me to her home for dinner and prayer times. It is her strength and faith that have seen me through some difficult times. A smile spreads across my face as my heart fills with gratitude for my close friends who were given two children with an incurable disease. Their family’s courage is a great light in my life. These are the celebrities in my life – these are my heroes. These are the greatest in the Kingdom.
Sometimes, I think we forget that the people Jesus interacted with were extraordinarily ordinary. To be clear, I am not against followers of Jesus living in the spotlight, its our response as evangelicals that I struggle with. But, perhaps, the greatest impact we have on the Kingdom is not what is seen, but what is unseen.
May we leave here pondering these words of Jesus and what it means to be a part of His upside down Kingdom:
“So those who are last now will be first then, and those who are first will be last.” ~Matthew 20:16
